Sunday, April 17, 2011
Angie passed today. Please let me know somehow that you are safe now, no more pain, no more fear, complete peace. Let me know that what we desire so much to believe is really true - that heaven is our final place of refuge. Angie, please be comforted now and never suffer again.
Friday, April 15, 2011
And I'm just writing cause I think maybe it will make me feel better. I need to clarify - I am so much better in every aspect than I was a few days ago when I felt completely at the end of everything, yet I have this lingering, nagging fear - what if that anxiety comes again. Are you gonna get addicted to the drugs you're taking? OR---are some of the drugs you're taking making you more filled with anxiety. Lord, please turn off my mind. I have EVERYTHING in the world to be happy for and yet I sit here and can't seem to enjoy anything. Seriously, what is wrong with me? I get moments of peacefullness, brief glimpses of joy and then a darkness seems to try to envelope me. Help me Lord!!This is the enemy trying again to destroy. I am bigger than the battle. I am a child of God and I will be lifted up. I WILL!!! I must rest now. - give my tired body time to recouperate before my next appointment. It's my first day back at the job and I'm getting through it but the battle continues. When I get up tomorrow morning and get ready to work, things will be even better than today - less anxiety, not pit in the stomach. One day at a time - I must remind myself. God help me to remember you are the Victor and that ALL things turn to goood for those who believe. Not some things, ALL!!!!!!Even this seemingly horrible time in my life will, by HIs grace, turn now to good.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Sometimes we reach these places - places we had no idea we were even traveling to. I have had tremendous emotional and physical stress extended to my mind and body over the past 2 years. I've felt the fear, worry , terror, and most importantly, the loss of faith in my God, build up to a point that is now intolerable. Were it not for the fact of synthetic drugs to reduce the stress level, I certainly would not be writing this today but rather cowering on the couch in morbid terror, hopeless, seeing no reason for life, nor a reason why I have even traveled this earth. It's amazing what stress can do to our perception and how extremely devastatingly real it is at the time. I've been challenging so many things about my faith in the last year - I feel the fear building as I even think on this. It sends that sick feeling into my bowels and for a moment paralyzes me to feel anything positive. Yet now, in His faithfulness, as I have virtually hit bottom emotionally, spirtually and physically, my God has once again shown his face and one day at atime is raising me out of the pit of Hell. I'm still not dressed - in my pajamas as the world moves about outside my window. I want to be a part of it, but a happy, positive part of it. This negative attitude that has been creeping up on me is no longer acceptable. Death has paralyzed me with fear. Why - I lost, and am still struggling with, what the value of life really is. When didthis all happen? Where did the assured mature, or so at least "I" thought, woman go? I am like a new child just finding my God again. I need His guidance, I need to him to be in control and for Him to lead me on second at a time. The sun is shining today after many days of morbid dreariness. Thank you Lord for the sun!! As always it helps us to see goodness and light. I need to rest now, my mind and heart feel again tired and little tormented, I need to reach out to my Savior and again find my peace. I am believing that I will fully and completely come out of this dark time and move completely into the light in a fuller and more fullfilling way than I have ever known. I needed to find this pit in order to climb my way out. Again, there goes that sick, gut-wrenching feeling. Much less today than yesteday. Less tomorrow than today. Soon - freedom. My next issue will be the drugs I am needing to use to calm myself down. I am so uncertain and afraid of drugs. Dependencey - here we go again, another stress issue. For now , let me rest. My pups are lying beside me quiet and resting. The sun continues to shine in the my livingroom window. I want to focus on a Christian based fm station but feel uncomfortable with that at the moment so will just watch Let's Make a Deal. Mindless but evolves no emotion. My fear and anxiety are set off so easily by the most seeminingly meaningless thing. More will be revealed day by day. I trust my God for that. Now I'll rest. Talk to you soon.,