Wednesday, May 4, 2011
The still small voice - that's God. The whispering in back of my mind, encouraging me to move forward, to know He is in control and will win all battles. He has been with me through this weak time and even as I feel so desolate and defeated, something inside, the spirit that belongs to my God, refuses to let me quit. I get brief glimpses of life beyond cancer. These seven years have been a battle zone - now the war is no longer being waged but my ragged body is begging for mercy. By His grace I will move on. My mind is and will become clearer and clearer as the days pass. I need to rely on drugs to continue on in this world and that in itself, for some reason, terrifies me. To think that should I stop my prescriptions I would go through some terrible withdrawal, only to end with severe pain again. So - I continue to swallow the pills that I hate. Now I need something to keep me calmed down - I am an out of control emotionally without it. Isthis my future? I want to be me again - changed but in a place that I can accept myself. I started therapy in an attempt to reach that goal. Cancer never has and never will defeat me - not even with the trickery it is using now. I have God in my corner and I WILL BE WHOLE! That is my declaration of the day, week, year!!!! I am like an egg hatching, stretching out my arms for the first time and looking at the world. Lord,help to heal the memories of sickness and unbelievable distress that plague me and hold me back from moving ahead with joy. Give me that freedom the fledgling has to open my wings and fly with no fear. Be with me now and those I love and grant all of us peace. Thank you for today - thank you for the drugs that I hate so much - they are helping me and bringing me to a new place of comfort. I'll find me again with your help. Amen and amen.