Tuesday, October 4, 2011
What a difference a day (or two) can make
It's Tuesday, Phillies are playing, and I"m sitting here with Jimmy and my pups and stIll I feel so very alone - that old feeling that is so familiar to me that I fight constantly to gain peace in my life. Lies all day. My head is swarming from them. They start at a moment when I am weakest - when my emotions are high due to circumstances around me. I just learned a dear friend's child is coming to the end stages of her cancer. A little child. My heart is breaking at the mere thought of her in pain and the emotional injustice her family is and will continue to suffer. Then something happens in my life - someone lets me down, falls short, all things that are familiar to the human race , but given the timing, seem magnified to an unimaginable point ------ and the pain begins. The feeling that no one loves me, that I am alone, that they are tired of me, sick of my illness. It seems so reasonable in the midst of the storm. Why would they make plans to go somewhere this weekend without thinking of me? After all, I haven't spent any quality time with them for weeks. They're always busy. But I love you is always the response to any questioning. If you don't want to be with me, you don't love me. Saying a word is so easy - living it is something else. My soul pines for the reality of God's love for me. I've been striving and studying and praying - trying to forgive the past and move on - trust when I am told I am loved. Lord you say to look to you. I am trying so hard - my insides ache from the turmoil when these types of situations come about. I see the evil that passes through my mind and catch it as it tries to convince me to lie, over react, anything just to get their attention. Not only is that deceitful, it takes me further from my Father , who actually has the love for me that I so badly need to feel evidence of. So here I sit, not quite so thankful and filled with joy as when I last wrote. I need Jesus. I cannot do this alone!! Fighting this self-hate is way beyond what I can withstand. The pain is unbearable and leads to evil and destructive thoughts. As I write this, I feel a release of some of the pain - the ability to release it into the universe and to have it dissolve in the expansive universe where it can't hurt another innocent human, who , was abanoned, neglected, unloved. Help me to grow Lord. Let these time become less and less. I choose to believe that you will do this in my life - that is what gives me the will to continue. My battle is tiring - I need to rest in you. I find myself asking for some amazing evidence of your love when, I repentently remember what you have done for me. Lord, you died for me - for these very moments when I fall out of grace, when I get lost in my own thoughts, when my mind loses focus on you. I hope to look back on this in the near future and see that I have grown more secure in your Love and the love of others. That seems so distant - when I reach this level the aloneness seems so unbearably real. It's merely by faith that I move on. Bless me Lord. See the faith that you have given me and increase it so I can glorify you. I'm so tired now - I need to rest. My mind is weary, my body weak. I weap Lord. Be with me now as I try to enter rest. Give your beloved sleep.