Wednesday, November 2, 2011

And Again the Rain Falls

I am alone!!! God reaches out to me but I find it so hard to feel his presence, his love. I FEEL alone!!! The pain is unbearable. How does ones life come to this discord? I wake every day praying to live my day for my Savior. That's the desire of my heart - to love like Jesus did!!! To even comprehend the depth of such a desire is overwhelming. To be more like you, Lord. Yet no one sees you in me. My own accuse me of incomprehensible things to me. If I can't even imagine such actions, how do they then come to the conclusion that I am involved in some scheme - some evil attempt to hurt those I love so dearly. And then to bring Jimmy into it and acccuse him, a totally innocent loving man, will nothing but good intentions towards anyone, to be devising evil and purposely hurting those who mean the world to him. I'm confused, hurt, alone. There is no one to address. The are all so close minded and lost in their self-centeredness that they really don't see the chaos and pain they are causing. So, I'll choose to live this day. I don't know how but I know God is bigger than all of this and He will somehow bring peace into my heart. I feel so deceived- so used- so totally alienated from those just a few weeks ago I trusted implicity. They have no love for me and they have no integrity. I can say this in all honesty - I have never chosen and will never puposely choose to hurt anyone or anything. My heart desires so much to help , to love, to fill that space left in each of us from our losses, our defeats. I see a major split on the horizon - lost holidays, angry words, slander. Why am I the one always to be judged so strenly. I need to sleep. My mind is spinning, my heart aches I can find little meaning to my exisence. I really need you, Jesus. Straighten out my heart, deal with my attitude, and pleae, please, let me find those in my life who can and will honestly love me. You have put Jimmy into my life to show me your love for me. Thank you so much for him, Lord. He is such a good husband, kind and loving father, adoring grandfather. He chose these things in his life - it was not jus a matter of life making it that way. How wonderful to be chosen to be loved. For someone to conciously choose to speak kindly to you, to walk with you through the valley of death, to offer you love genuinely from the heart of God. So now I'll rest, try to escape what torments me. My fear - that when I awaken it will still be here. Each of us desires that love in our life - I need it to survive. Restore it in me OH Lordl.

Please love your neighbor as yourself! A command for us to try and follow. How much more than should we love our familiies. Seek the good everyone. Focus on showing them God's love through you,

All has been said . Exhaustiion has set in. Lord, David and Cheryl, Lorraine Fryer, the Bailey Family, Betty and Bob, the women in the study group. All need you , your love , your peace. Help us all Lord and control these things beyond our control. Please save my family!!!

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