F R E E D O M

Dorney Park today for two of my grandchildren. Boy, did they have fun. I'd have to say they actually looked exhausted by the time they got home from the park around 7:00. Now Buzzy and CJ have a long ride to Elizabethtown - I pray they go safely. Today was a little rough on me. The girls had asked me to go with them to Dorney and at first, I looked on my calendar, which was filled, but thought, " heh, you only live once. I wanna see them have fun.", so I set about to make all necessary changes to my calendar. Then that sweet calm voice spoke so gently to me, reminding me that running around an amusement park for 12+ hours could be a real catastrophe should the right circumstances come into play. There it is again - facing reality, dealing with truth. I am a 60 year old woman who has been fighting cancer for almost 8 years now and it has taken its toll on my body, my emotions, my energy level, my life. I realized how selfish I was being by pressing the issue that I go along with them. They are young, full of life - like a fawn in the early morning leaping out into the open meadown. Let them enjoy the day at their pace, overextending themselves, getting slightly sunburned, becoming exhausted physically and mentally. They loved it ----- and so did I, from right here at home. They sent me some pictures while they were there and stopped at our house as soon as they came home. I know I was with them in every way that really matters even though I didn't make a presence. I love those boys so incredibly much - enough to actually let them go and enjoy life without me hovering over them. Was it hard - yes., I have definite seperation anxiety issues and have a sense of panice when I can't be there, in control, making sure that strap is on right, checking their heighth carefully insuring they are adequate size for the rides they choose. So today I grew, and I loved in a more mature, God-like way. We all made it - we're all safe and most importantly, we still all love each other very much. Not being present didn't change their love for me at all. WOW - for me that is a wow. Maybe I can really come to a place of believing that I can be loved just because I am. I pray so - in that lies the freedom God speaks of. Now I'm tired - but of course I can't sleep yet until I know Buzzy and CJ got home ok. Then - my head will hit the pillow with a fury. Thank you for today, Lord. Thank you for teaching me, loving me, loving my family and for dying for me. You, Jesus, are amazing!!!

AND THE RAIN COMES

And when it comes, it bring a refreshing newness to the earth, a type of cleansing, alowin the spirit to feel free again, ready for the next day of sunshine. I wish our minds could just be washed clean. All the bad thoughts , fears, horrors of the past - gone with one intense session of rain. To have our minds be refreshed like that would certainly be a gift as rain is a gift to the begging earth. As I settle in for the evening, I smell the freshness of the cleaned and well fed grass, a feeling in the air of newness but now with growing closenss. But my mind remains the same - begging for refreshing,newness, achance to start it all over again, this time knowing the rights and wrongs. Instead of instant refreshing, I pray and God brings me to the place where he can imprint on burdened soul the newness of today and the love that He has for me. Confusing, yes. Reality, yes. Our thoughts, emotions, direct our moods, attitudes. God needs to be putin full control and He will bring that refreshing rain. He promised!

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Do you see how beautiful the sky is, fluffy white marshmellow clouds that I know would be a delight to sit on and just sail through the universe. I could hang my legs over the edge and just lay back and gaze into eternity. I love the clouds and I plan to spend much time on them when my journey on earth is through. I've had this love since I was young, - God knows all about it- so I'm sure that's where I"ll be spending much of my eternity.


AND now to just imagine that peacefullness, that total joy and sense of true freedom as I sit here in the quiet, puppies by my side, snuggled close making sure they get every drop of love available from me. They are such a blessing. My little comrades. As frustrating as some of their behaviors can be, the love they give is so unconditional, so like the love God has for us. I'm sure there will be all my puppies on the cloud with me at some point in time. Can't imagine anything greater than being on a cloud in the center of all the beloved dogs from my lifetime.

Rest is coming my way- I feel the heaviness in my eyelids. Pups are dreaming and snugled close. Time for a nap. Hope all are having a great day. Take a moment and check out the beautiful, marshmellowy clouds - they just may bless your day, too.

Wallpapering

I love making my house a home. Those little touches that show who we are, what we believe, what we love!!!! Before I was diagnosed I got my license for interior designer. I was so excited - the world was out there just waiting for me. I wanted to take what people had in their homes and turn it into a new haven for them. No elaborate cost or expenditures,-- But when I started feeling so weak and tired and then I found THE LUMP on my neck, my desires and motivations were put on hold. At that time I was redoing rooms in our own home. It's an old farm house, partly 1700's, partly l800's. One room at a time was my agenda and I had finally finished the downstairs and was ready for our bedroom. I had it all planned out, a little different from what most would choose, but appealing and comfortable for Jimmy and myself. I bought the wallpaper, paste, paint, new paint brushes and trays. So excited ----- and then the diagnosis and my world turned into fulltime cancer fighting. That was 7 l/2 years ago and today I AM IN REMISSION. AND also today I am going to finish wallpapering our bedroom, which has sat there craving attention and love, its lack of attention pointing all the time to the fact that cancer was trying with everything it had to control our lives. I see now how really my life was focused around cancer and though I fought tooth and nail, I was giving it way too much power. It diverted me from the things I loved, it took my identity, which I am still in search of, and left me smiling on the outside but in fear and pain inside. NO MORE!!! One day at time I am finding the new me that has evolved. I am finding peace and I am finding time TODAY to wallpaper my bedroom. As strange as it sounds, this is really a day of celebration!!! We can actually sense it in our home. Thank you for today, Lord and for bringing me to this place. I haven't enjoyed the journey many times and I may struggle again, but today, I KNOW that I CAN and I WILL.

My Heart, Lord.

My heart, Lord. It's so heavy with all the pain and suffering around me. It drowns out my endeavors to see the good. Little children starving and going unloved - never having a chance to know the reality of arms around their little bodies reassuring them of a future that for them is dismal at the best. How sad my heart is - neighbor fighting neighbor because a hedge is growing on the wrong side of the property line. Sickness, cancer, aids, arthritis, - we are blinded to the goodness of You by all the horror of the world and the evil that man exhibits to man. Help me to be your instrument of peace, Lord - where there is pain, help me to give peace through You. Allow me to carress that child whose heart is filled with pain. Give me the love to love the unloveable.

Another Day

How for granted we take each and every day. I awaken in the morning, thoughts of the chores for the day, the people I'll encounter, the things that need to be settled and how I'll accomplish all that run through my mind before I've even had time for that first cup of coffee. I am trying to learn to change my pattern of thinking and to force my first thoughts in the morning to thankfullness. Thanfullness that I awakened to a new and beautiful day, filled with chances to love and be loved. Another chance to see the glory of God and the creation He has given us to glory in. Today allows me to tell my husband, kids, friends that I love them so much and also gives me a chance to meet someone new who I can offer my friendship and understanding to. It's not really as easy as it sounds. Habits run deep. It's like a river that runs the same way every day and eventually, over time, digs a deep entrenchment into the ground beneath it. The water follows that path day after day, the flow causing the entrenchment to grow deeper and deeper. Imagine trying to change the flow of that stream of water after such a long period of time. The same holds true with our minds. Given that every day for the last 60 years I have awakened to the same basic thoughts, allowing my mind to become negative, overwhelmed, and my senses to be filled with anxiety, my new pattern seems awkward and sensually very uneasy. I fight my own mind to try and think positively, realizing that my Creator is in control and that I really don't have anything to fear. All these years I've had to fight through the day trying to come to that conclusion, my own thoughts being my enemy. Now I realize my enemy and know I can win this battle. Each day is new and exciting. All things truely do turn to good for those who believe and I WILL learn to change the path my thoughts try to take to destroy me and cause me to remain in a state of fear and anxiety. God is on my side - I know that again. For some time , though I know his footprints were surely right beside mine, I've felt so very alone and abandoned. I'm getting it now, Lord. I will be the Victor because you were first. My mind belongs to you and only you. I feel such an excitement inside knowing that, even though I am growing old and so much of my life has been lived with this negative influence, fearful always of loss and in terror at every change in my life, I am a new creation TODAY and my mind is renewed. Tomorrow morning is an exciting prospect - to direct my mind to you and your glory and the positive, exciting, wonderful things that are sure to happen. The entrenchment in my mind will lessen with every day and very quickly there will be a new river flowing, a new entrenchement in my thought patterns to know the truth and the goodness of life lived knowing You. Lord, you are amazing and I love you for walking with me through this dark time that has been trying to envelope me. I'm done for now - ready to move on to other chores , knowing I have declared what I needed to state as fact. Tonight will be great- Jimmy, the pups and me watching a movie or whatever. Looks like there might be a shower - we really need the rain. In the morning I will rise and see your face, eliminate all negative lies, and rest in your arms and see the truth. My future is so bright!!!!