Thursday, August 18, 2011
F R E E D O M
Dorney Park today for two of my grandchildren. Boy, did they have fun. I'd have to say they actually looked exhausted by the time they got home from the park around 7:00. Now Buzzy and CJ have a long ride to Elizabethtown - I pray they go safely. Today was a little rough on me. The girls had asked me to go with them to Dorney and at first, I looked on my calendar, which was filled, but thought, " heh, you only live once. I wanna see them have fun.", so I set about to make all necessary changes to my calendar. Then that sweet calm voice spoke so gently to me, reminding me that running around an amusement park for 12+ hours could be a real catastrophe should the right circumstances come into play. There it is again - facing reality, dealing with truth. I am a 60 year old woman who has been fighting cancer for almost 8 years now and it has taken its toll on my body, my emotions, my energy level, my life. I realized how selfish I was being by pressing the issue that I go along with them. They are young, full of life - like a fawn in the early morning leaping out into the open meadown. Let them enjoy the day at their pace, overextending themselves, getting slightly sunburned, becoming exhausted physically and mentally. They loved it ----- and so did I, from right here at home. They sent me some pictures while they were there and stopped at our house as soon as they came home. I know I was with them in every way that really matters even though I didn't make a presence. I love those boys so incredibly much - enough to actually let them go and enjoy life without me hovering over them. Was it hard - yes., I have definite seperation anxiety issues and have a sense of panice when I can't be there, in control, making sure that strap is on right, checking their heighth carefully insuring they are adequate size for the rides they choose. So today I grew, and I loved in a more mature, God-like way. We all made it - we're all safe and most importantly, we still all love each other very much. Not being present didn't change their love for me at all. WOW - for me that is a wow. Maybe I can really come to a place of believing that I can be loved just because I am. I pray so - in that lies the freedom God speaks of. Now I'm tired - but of course I can't sleep yet until I know Buzzy and CJ got home ok. Then - my head will hit the pillow with a fury. Thank you for today, Lord. Thank you for teaching me, loving me, loving my family and for dying for me. You, Jesus, are amazing!!!